Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
