he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
