I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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