dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
