Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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