She is in my trunk
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
