if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Terrible idea I love it
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
