Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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