Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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