when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
