i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
