they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
