Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
