my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
