Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
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He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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