i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
