i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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