He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
