I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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