My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
