Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Small penises have feelings too.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
