Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
