Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You brought string cheese to the strip club
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
