If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
