you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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