I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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