At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My bed smells like the plague
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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