DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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