it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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