I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
