Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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