So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
