thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
