I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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