i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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