They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
