WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
