I hate all girls vehemently.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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