He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
