I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
