OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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