Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
