I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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