Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
