i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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