The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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