took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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