absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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