I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
