My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
