The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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