Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
